‘We had a thing once.’
‘Who?’
‘Me and her. There on the telly.’
‘Her? You know her?’
‘Two years it lasted. More or less.’
‘You know that woman?’
‘Kate? Yes I know her. Lots of people know her. She's quite famous. Beautiful voice, don't you think?’
‘Well, yes. She’s a newsreader. She would be well spoken. So how did you meet her?’
‘I saw her on TV and it kind of went from there.’
‘Oh? How did that work?’
‘Well we would meet up. Talk. Mostly at first that was it. Just talking. It was nice. I like that part of things. Guys aren't meant to are they? We're meant be more...voracious. But I like it. Or did.’
‘So where did you go? Was it tricky with her being famous- Wait wasn't she married to that rugby player? Plays for Scotland?’
‘Still is. Though he doesn't anymore. Played for Scotland. Retired.’
‘Right…’
‘We had to be discreet.’
‘I can imagine.’
‘You don't approve? Of affairs?’
‘Not really, to be honest.’
‘And to be honest back, neither do I. That's what ended it, really.’
‘How did that go?’
‘Not too bad I suppose. At the time it hurt like hell.’
‘How did you do it? It was you that ended it? She is a fine looking woman.’
‘Yes. It was me.’
‘So?’
‘I changed the channel.’
‘Very droll.’
‘No. Literally. I started watching the news on BBC instead.’
‘Right...right...So lets go back a bit here. You have met this woman?’
‘I told you, we talked for hours.’
‘I mean in the flesh. You were...intimate?’
‘Absolutely we were intimate. The things she would do. You would be very surprised.’
‘I just want to be completely clear. You and her have been in the same room. At the same time. Being intimate. Having sex?’
‘Yes. More or less.’
‘More or less?’
‘Define in the room. Define sex.’
‘Oh for... You've never even met her have you?’
‘I've talked to her.’
‘Has she talked back?’
‘Yes.’
‘Yes?’
‘Yes.’
‘Wait. Has she talked back in response to things you have said?’ Replied?’
‘Yes.’
‘Really?’
‘Sometimes her replies were a little cryptic.’
‘Right. So basically what you're telling me is that this relationship, which she knows nothing about, consisted of you, who she doesn't know exists, talking back to the TV and occasionally jerking off?’
‘Well that’s not very romantic. Kate and I had something special. Quiet now, that weathergirl with the lazy eye is coming on and I think she might fancy me….’
This piece of flash fiction was shortlisted on the Artificium website.
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